


down with his ship

by kybercrvstals (m_iri)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M, minor self-inflicted injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 08:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6746416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_iri/pseuds/kybercrvstals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux dreams of Starkiller, of snow and smoke and flesh and fire.</p><p>Hux dreams of Starkiller, his skin slick with sweat, and when Kylo wraps his arms around the general’s waist, Hux gasps, sucking in air between clenched teeth, and writhes, burned. He shoves at Kylo with clenched fists, dreaming the Knight’s strong arms are the metal scraps of what he once proudly called his command falling down around him, trapping him, trapping him. He knows he’ll die here, beneath these beams. He knows. He knows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	down with his ship

Hux dreams of Starkiller, of snow and smoke and flesh and fire.

Hux dreams of Starkiller, his skin slick with sweat, and when Kylo wraps his arms around the general’s waist, Hux gasps, sucking in air between clenched teeth, and writhes, burned. He shoves at Kylo with clenched fists, dreaming the Knight’s strong arms are the metal scraps of what he once proudly called his command falling down around him, trapping him, trapping him. He knows he’ll die here, beneath these beams. He _knows_. He knows.

Scrambling away, stung by what he sees, Kylo retreats to a far corner of the room, hugging his knees to his chest. On the bed, Hux dreams of Starkiller and kicks the covers off the mattress. He knows, he knows, and every cell in his body protests against the thought that his destiny should end in this: in fire and steel and blood in his mouth. Kylo claps his hands over his ears as though that could shut it out. In the dream, Mitaka stands over Hux’s body, and the skin melts off his face.

Kylo has tears on his cheeks by the time Hux wakes, gasping, and shoves himself upright in bed. Panic radiates from his general, trembling, fading only slightly when Kylo says, “Lights to thirty percent.”

They stare at one another. Hux’s skin shines as his chest rises, falls, rises too quickly. The Knight works his jaw, swallowing hard, hating the way Hux’s eyes flicker over his facial scar. “You have ugly dreams,” he tells him eventually.

Something hardens in the general’s expression. “Yes,” he says. “Well.” He looks down at his hands. Finger by finger, he uncurls them. His palms are bloody. Four long ragged channels, carved by his fingernails, run across one hand; three run across the other. Hux opens his mouth. Closes it. “Get a medkit, Ren,” he says.

Kylo stays where he is.

Hux looks around the room as though expecting to see the medkit floating towards him, suspended by the Force, but he finds nothing. Kylo shifts where he sits, staring at Hux from over his drawn-up knees. “I’m sorry,” Hux snaps. The panic is receding, leaving shame in its place. “Did I mention I was bleeding?” He holds up his hands. “Get a medkit.”

“You think it suits you,” Kylo says, numbly. “Blood on your hands.”

Making a noise of disgust, Hux forces himself off the bed and into the ‘fresher, snapping at the computer to turn on the lights. When he comes out again, he has the medkit’s handle balanced on his fingertips, hands tipped awkwardly up to keep the blood pooled in his palms. There isn’t much of it, but Kylo senses that Hux couldn’t deal with even a drop of it on his floor tonight. “Get up,” his general snaps, tapping his foot. “I can’t do this myself.”

A moment passes before Kylo blinks, blinks again, and unfolds himself slowly from where he sits. His bare feet on the cool floor make no noise as he pads over. Hux looks at him expectantly, and Kylo reaches out. He takes the medkit, then tosses it onto the bed behind him. “What–” Hux begins to say, craning his neck to follow the kit, before Kylo takes his hands in his. There’s a flash of panic from Hux – Kylo gets the image of the metal beams from him again, wires twisting around his wrists – and the Knight stares at his general’s palms, mournful. He closes his eyes. He concentrates. He knits Hux’s hands back together, and wishes he could do the same for his heart.

It feels like forever before Hux says, quiet, “I suppose I should wash this blood off.”

Kylo turns away and goes back to bed, shoving the medkit onto the ground with the Force. He grabs Hux’s pillow, pulls it to his side of the bed, buries his face in it. It smells safe, like home. Like anything but smoke and sweat and burning skin.

Hux doesn’t join him until a long time after the sound of water rushing in the ‘fresher has stopped. Burrowing deeper into the pillow, Kylo sighs, his whole upper body rising and falling with it. The weight of Hux on the mattress as he stretches out again is not as comforting as it should be. Without raising his head, the Knight makes a little gesture, and the comforter and sheet rise from the floor to drape themselves, careful, over both their lower bodies. Hux kicks it off the minute Kylo releases them. “It’s too hot for that,” he says, and the mattress creaks as he rolls over onto his side, making no sign of noticing or caring that his pillow is gone. Kylo cannot see, but he guesses that Hux’s back is to him. 

“I hate your dreams,” he says, voice muffled.

“I don’t enjoy them either.”

“That one especially.” Shoving himself up onto his elbows, Kylo tosses hair out of his eyes, looking down at Hux. The general’s back is, as he guessed, to him. “Starkiller. Falling apart around you. You, going down with–”

Hux rolls over for the sole purpose of glaring at him. “Can we not talk about it?”

Kylo stares.

“Because, you know,” Hux continues, a flush creeping into his cheeks to replace the panicked pallor of before, “the subject of the nightmare from which I just woke up, the nature of which I am very aware you know, is perhaps not the best topic right now.”

“I’m–” Looking away, the Knight licks his lips. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need you to be sorry.” Hux turns over again, away from Kylo. “I need you to shut your kriffing mouth so I can go back to sleep.”

Silence settles over them.

Slowly, carefully, Kylo reaches out and lays his hand on the general’s shoulder. Hux freezes, held taut - then shudders, and his chest heaves once, silently. Pulling himself closer, Kylo sees that Hux’s face is turned against the mattress, his eyes open, staring at nothing. A tear gathers at the corner of one of them, then rolls down his nose, and Hux’s chest heaves again at the shame of it.

The realization comes over Kylo like the ringing of some clear, sad bell that Hux might wish that what had happened in his dream had truly been carried through to fruition. 

“Shhh,” he says, unable to stop himself, and curls around the red-haired man. There are days when Hux fills the whole of the  _Finalizer_  itself with his flashing eyes and the ringing of his boots in the halls, but tonight he fits neatly into the hollow of Kylo’s curved body. “Shhh.” Kylo spreads his hand out over Hux’s chest, fingers splayed, and marvels - not for the first time - at how little there is of this man who burns suns and solar systems. “Shhh,” he says again, because there are no words for this moment. He presses his lips to the skin of Hux’s neck, just beneath his ear, and sighs.

Hux sucks in a ragged breath, holds it, holds it, lets it out between his teeth. “I’m fine,” he says.

“Don’t lie,” Kylo says. “I can read your mind.”

There’s a moment of pause, not for the first time. Usually, Hux is merely taking time to compose the most cutting response he can, but tonight, he simply asks, “How much can you see?”

Kylo lifts his head, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of Hux’s expression. His scar pulls uncomfortably at his skin. “How much can I see of what?”

“Everything.” The general swallows another unsteady breath. Then, more carefully: “The dream.”

“You were—” Taking a breath, Kylo starts over. “You were on Starkiller. Going down with your ship – planet, in this case.”

The silence that comes from Hux is echoing.

“I understand,” Kylo continues, “fear. I understand nightmares. But this pattern is – irregular.”

“This pattern,” Hux says, dully.

“Yes. This pattern. You – don't dream of things repeatedly. Nothing of this caliber, at least. I don’t understand why this lingers.”

Instead of answering, the general pushes himself up from bed and pads into the next room, coming back with a bottle of brandy. Hux tips it back, his throat bobbing as he swallows, not bothering with a glass. When he drops it down, hand clasped around the bottle’s neck, he lifts his chin. “It should have happened,” he says, voice flat. He rubs at his mouth with the back of his free hand. HIs eyes rake over Kylo’s scar.

The Knight ducks his head away from the inspection. “That’s not true.”

Swinging the bottle by his side, Hux walks back to the bed, sitting down hard on the edge of it. “Yes, it is.” He cuts a glance at Kylo, eyes sharp. “I should have died. Would have died. Was ready to.” Something like a laugh catches in his throat. “Ready as I could be, at least.”

Kylo sits up and moves to him, wrapping his arms around Hux’s waist. “I don’t know what you mean,” he says, lips pressed to the curve of one freckled shoulder blade.

“I mean,” Hux sighs, “you’re the only reason I’m alive.”

Cold sharp pain curls between Kylo’s ribs. “—the order.” He swallows, hard, and tips his head to rest his forehead against Hux’s spine. “Snoke’s order. Without it, you—”

“I would have stayed.”

They sit there together, breathing as one, for a long, long time.

Eventually, Hux brings the bottle back to his lips and swallows. Reaching out, Kylo takes it from him, takes two long draughts, and hands it back again. Shifting, Hux leans his head against Kylo’s, mussed red hair mixing with the Knight’s loose curls. Together, they smell like soap and skin and sweat and brandy, too, cutting through the rest. 

Hux reaches out; his hand trembles. Kylo meets him halfway, twining their fingers together.

“I want to sleep,” Hux says. “Ren. Can you—”

Kylo sighs. Raising his free hand from around Hux’s waist, he cups the back of the general’s neck, supporting his head as he leads him down to the mattress again. He keeps their fingers twined. Once settled, he fits himself against Hux. He kisses the corner of his jaw, and as his lips meet skin, a spark passes between them, and the general’s eyes fall closed.

He does not do himself the favor he does Hux. Instead, Kylo stays up, staring, trying to map the geography of his features, imagining what the night sky would look like if he knew the galaxy had lost the particular shade of red-orange he has only ever seen in his general’s hair. He stays up and stares, and stares, and stares. He wonders where he would be if they had not collided like galaxies, all stardust and teeth and sweet calamity, in the aftermath of that day. The prospect is anathema. Kylo had counted the destruction of Starkiller as a loss alone, as the day when his face was marred and his pride shattered and his body rent apart, but he could also have lost the moment he lost chance for the only sweet-soft touches he has ever felt, the only person who has ever kissed him, the warmth of a body pressed to his, which he never thought he’d know.

In his sleep, Hux rolls to face him. His forehead presses against Kylo’s, his skin touching the top of the scar. Swallowing the urge to pull away, he forces the tension from his body, breathes through the fear. It’s irrational. Hux doesn’t care; Kylo knows he doesn’t care. He knows. Letting out a little shaky breath, the Knight closes his eyes. If the scar – if his shame – means that Hux was saved, he can swallow it, perhaps. He can live with it. 

It is worth it to have Hux, he knows. He knows, he knows, he knows.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the conversation here ( http://kybercrvstals.tumblr.com/post/143836244276/ocktorok-fraxinus-egregiousderp-marrecarandgi ), and also available on tumblr at that same link! If you like it, a reblog would be much appreciated. <3


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